I still can't believe that I'm already turning 27 and that I have to decide a lot of things from this day on.
I don't know what's with the -ber months, but during this time of the year, I get knocked up. A lot of things come in to my mind that I sometimes believe I'm over thinking. I get to realize and weigh a lot of things that I value and things that I don't like to put up with. During this time of the year, it gets confusing.
I'm not sure if it's just hormones kicking, I haven't read anything about it on the internet though. But the only thing that seems to be consistent is that I get to think through a lot of things that I usually just ignore for the year. Maybe I "unconsciously" get pressured that I'm almost over the year and I still haven't got any clue of what I really want to happen with my life.
At the back of my mind, I have a lot of things that I want to do. I want to have a career that definitely suits me and my interests. Something that I am passionate about. Something that surely I'll never easily get tired of. But the thing is, I want a lot of things, I don't know where to start and I don't know if I can even finish any of it.
Well you see, I have this behavior that I easily get discouraged that I don't finish what I start. I just don't push through and I don't like pressuring myself to do things again and again. A perfectionist in some bad way perhaps? and a combination of unmotivated-ness.
The good thing about doing the things I love though is I pour my heart in to it All the ideas come easily when I feel good and inspired. When I see my work is doing great, I create even something better.
For the past year, I've been feeling so low about the things I used to do. Like blogging or doing some crafts. I just can't seem to put out new ideas and I've been stagnant like forever. A friend of mine said that I don't seem to get new ideas because I am trapped in the four walls of our family business, which it true. I've been working every day from 7am up until 8pm, and yes, there are no days off.
The routine is killing me. Getting up early, sitting behind the counter receiving fees for services, watching over the people who are working their asses off for their daily salary, getting home late, making sure that my long distance relationship is still doing well, sleeping late, and prepare for another day of same old routines. It's tiring and draining. Gitaya na akong utok.
I've been hoarding books, maxing up the credit card, eating out a lot just to feel happy. But none still satisfies me.
Now, I have reached a big fork in my life that I definitely need to face and its for my future.
My relationship with my boyfriend has been bumpy lately. We are being challenged for the year so badly that it will either make or break what we have built together. A three-year long distance relationship.
We have laid out plans when we first started out since it's difficult to have a long distance relationship without making definite goals. And then last night, he said his plans has changed. He doesn't want to leave his job and he would like us (after getting married) to live at Gensan. Honestly, I didn't feel anything. I can't seem to imagine life outside Davao. I can't even make up what kind of work I'll be getting there since I haven't figured it all out here. He said that we can either live at Gensan, go home to Davao every weekend, or he will keep his work at Gensan and he'll travel everyday to get home to Davao, or we just have to live there and visit my parents once a month.
The reason why he wants us to live at Gensan is because he wants to start a new with me. Build the marriage from scratch without relying to my family's business. He doesn't want other people to think of him badly for living here with me. I think that would generally crush his pride and ego if he were to do what we have originally planned.
As for me, I don't think I am ready for that yet. I don't even know if I want to get married. I just think I am not up for this yet.
I still have to consider my parents and their business. I don't think I can handle a business that I don't have any idea how to run. Even the nature of the business is far from what I love. Before all of this, I thought that if I were to get married, my now boyfriend and I will handle it together. But I guess, I have to let that business go.
My parents are getting older, and I don't want to leave them. I think that's the only plan I have like forever.
On to this very moment, I can't imagine things clearly. Definitely some forks worth scrutinizing.
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