Yesterday was my father's birthday. On our way to my workplace that morning, I told my father that I've called my ex and checked if his doing okay since he got sick for days (right after our break up). My father told me that I should invite him over for the Birthday / Christmas party. So I did, but no response. Unknowingly, my Mom called my ex hours later since my Dad insisted that he should come. I received a phone call from my ex after their conversation, confirming that he's coming to th party after his work.
My ex arrived that late afternoon. I was trying to be cold and I tried not to meet his eyes.
After his dinner with my Dad, we were busy at the party observing the drunk guests from all their enjoyment and dancing. I called his attention and talked to him at my parent's office.
We were able to openly say what we wanted to say. From our disappointments, frustrations, and feelings up to our future plans, it wasn't clear to him yet what he wanted to do after our relationship. I tried to be clear with him about the things that I wanted to do and things that hurt me while we were still together. It was painful hearing from him that we are getting nowhere if we're going to make it work again. It won't work when only one person is willing to try again. He told me he loves me and it pains him that things aren't okay.
It was a long distance relationship. Every month, he visits me once (sometimes twice) and stays for a few days. It was difficult, but the communication was always there. We always make time to catch up, and it feels like we're always together even when it was only through texts and calls. The trust was there but we failed in our communication at times. Maybe because we are too different. Our family, experience, opinion, and even the way we communicate is different. The only thing we both love is food, other than that, nothing else.
For now, I wanted to do something for myself. Build myself a career. I told him that I can't do the things I want when I'm in a relationship. I want to focus on giving myself the love and attention which I wasn't able to do for the last 13-14 years. I honestly told him that I was not inspired or even creative when we were still together. I focused heavily on our relationship and I was being dependent on him. It was not a productive relationship for me. All I wanted to do that time is make sure that our relationship is doing well.
This is the end of another chapter in my life, Who knows if my ex will be able to come back in the future. I'm not closing doors. But I definitely want to do and change things in my life now.
It was a painful morning. He left for Gensan by 3am. I'm left with memories and the feeling of missing him. I keep on telling myself that it will be okay. If things are meant to be, it will happen at the right time.
