Un-closed Door

Yesterday was my father's birthday.  On our way to my workplace that morning, I told my father that I've called my ex and checked if his doing okay since he got sick for days (right after our break up).  My father told me that I should invite him over for the Birthday / Christmas party.  So I did, but no response.  Unknowingly, my Mom called my ex hours later since my Dad insisted that he should come.  I received a phone call from my ex after their conversation, confirming that he's coming to th party after his work.

My ex arrived that late afternoon.  I was trying to be cold and I tried not to meet his eyes.  

After his dinner with my Dad, we were busy at the party observing the drunk guests from all their enjoyment and dancing.  I called his attention and talked to him at my parent's office. 

Contemplative
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We were able to openly say what we wanted to say.  From our disappointments, frustrations, and feelings up to our future plans, it wasn't clear to him yet what he wanted to do after our relationship.  I tried to be clear with him about the things that I wanted to do and things that hurt me while we were still together.  It was painful hearing from him that we are getting nowhere if we're going to make it work again. It won't work when only one person is willing to try again.  He told me he loves me and it pains him that things aren't okay. 

It was a long distance relationship.  Every month, he visits me once (sometimes twice) and stays for a few days.  It was difficult, but the communication was always there.  We always make time to catch up, and it feels like we're always together even when it was only through texts and calls.  The trust was there but we failed in our communication at times.  Maybe because we are too different.  Our family, experience, opinion, and even the way we communicate is different.  The only thing we both love is food, other than that, nothing else. 

For now, I wanted to do something for myself.  Build myself a career.  I told him that I can't do the things I want when I'm in a relationship.  I want to focus on giving myself the love and attention which I wasn't able to do for the last 13-14 years.  I honestly told him that I was not inspired or even creative when we were still together.  I focused heavily on our relationship and I was being dependent on him.  It was not a productive relationship for me.  All I wanted to do that time is make sure that our relationship is doing well. 

This is the end of another chapter in my life,  Who knows if my ex will be able to come back in the future.  I'm not closing doors.  But I definitely want to do and change things in my life now. 

It was a painful morning.  He left for Gensan by 3am.  I'm left with memories and the feeling of missing him.  I keep on telling myself that it will be okay.  If things are meant to be, it will happen at the right time. 

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Between God And Me

* I have written this entry years ago (January 13, 2009) from my longtime offline blog. Will repost it as it is since I'm still the same person to this very day.

Am I bad or evil if I question the works of God? and that I only have a minimal relationship with Him?

I've been raised by my parents with only a minimal relationship with God. We seldom go to church (which now, I rarely go to), and we seldom pray together.
I can remember though that my Mom taught me how to pray, like how to make the sign of the cross with the 3 images of God. I've been taught that praying is the way to communicate with God, to ask forgiveness and to ask for guidance.

As I go with my daily life, I believe that I take all responsibility of my self. I'm not an Atheist or an Antichrist or whatever you may call it... but I classify myself as Agnostic. I believe that there is a higher being, but I'm just not that dedicated to religion, the church, or even have a constant relationship with God. I just strongly believe that I have been given freewill and that I should take great responsibility on whatever choices that I/I will make.

What confuses me though is, when will you know that the things that happened in your life are the plans of God? When will you know that the things that happened are just the consequence of the choices you've made?

Sometimes I have little guilts whenever I try to ask the works and teachings of God, and I think it's because we have been raised not to doubt the words of God. It somehow feels wrong, but is it wrong to wonder or ask?
But haven't we all been in this path before? like being torn as being "scientific" or religious? Maybe some would say yes, and maybe some have repressed it because they've been told it's wrong. I just believe that when you try to question or wonder, you want to know more and at the end of that knowledge, it's up to you what your belief would turn to be. You have to question before you commit to an idea or a belief.

As to my stand on where I am today, I believe that there is indeed a higher being... But I believe that God doesn't strongly imply what he wants to happen in my life (our lives). If he implies what is indeed His plan, then what is freewill for? Life is all about making choices, you have to make a choice and create your own path/action.

So to the people who blames it to others, and even to God, don't you think that you are being self-righteous? What about the things you've chosen to do? the plans or actions you've made? Don't you think that what you have now is the consequence or the result of the choices you've made?

I really don't get it when people starts to say "This is the will of God" or "I surrender because this is what God wants to happen in my life". Is it because they have totally surrendered their freewill to God (like the nuns, priests, and the pastors)? Or is it because the challenge is so hard that they are left to cling on to God?

In the People Of The Lie, Peck said that people surrender their will either to God or goodness or to evil. I cannot say that I have surrendered myself to God nor to evil, but I know goodness, and that is what guides me the most... As long as I'm not doing any kind of harm to the people around me, and as long as I know my place during misunderstandings (mistakes), I'm okay.

I just want to add this :

I don't want to bash or anything, and I believe what I speak is true since this is what I have observed first handedly... Some people in a very religious clan* are most of the time active in church and that is very good... but whenever they are out of the church, they seem like they haven't heard the good teachings of God. They do harm to their neighbors (like back biting, destroying the image of another person), they hold grudges... and so on. Don't you think it's time to reflect on what you are really doing?

I am not saying that I am right, because if I will emphasize or imply on to myself that I am indeed right, then I will not be able to open my mind to what's more. Maybe it's okay to say, I am still learning things... I cannot force myself to submit to God when I am not ready. Sometimes I need a little push, but most of the time I feel like, "just let me find my way towards Him".

Anyway, I have mentioned a few questions above, so if you have opinions or a few verses you want to share, please feel free to write me a comment. Just don't start a "discussion" that I'm bad and that I should find the light. Hehehe. I don't want that kind of argument. If you want to enlighten me, then at least explain yourself by not forcing me to change.

* religion

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Just Another Fish In The Sea

I've decided to start a new.

As dreadful as it may sound, I've decided to move on with my life without a serious relationship.  I believe there is no reason to be in one when, 1- you don't have common goals, even interests, 2- you can't understand and don't have the patience for your partner's flaws, 3- you are not friends, and 4- religion.  

Like Dory from Finding Nemo says,
"Just keep swimming..."
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No matter how short or long the relationship has gone, it will never be easy. I'm just willing to pick myself and start over again. Despite being nostalgic at times, I just have to endure the pain and grieving. It's a part of break ups, it may or may not take long before things start to be okay again. 

For the meantime, I'm laying out my plans for next year.  I'm anxious about what's going to happen. As for now, I'll just have to enjoy my time being single.  

I haven't been single for years.  My first serious relationship was around 2001 that lasted for 2 years and 3 months. Next was almost 5 years. Another lasted for 2 years and 7 months, then a really short one followed. Lastly, 3 years and a month. Just imagine how much I've been through all those years.  

I can't say that I'm a good girlfriend, but I think I've been challenging, personality wise. All I can say is my focus was on the people I had a relationship with, disregarding my growth as an individual. I've lost touch of my talents and interests, and I wasn't able to build a good career with something I love to do. 

I guess it's time to give myself the attention that I deserve. There will always be fishes in the sea. 

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Forks

I still can't believe that I'm already turning 27 and that I have to decide a lot of things from this day on.  

I don't know what's with the -ber months, but during this time of the year, I get knocked up.  A lot of things come in to my mind that I sometimes believe I'm over thinking.  I get to realize and weigh a lot of things that I value and things that I don't like to put up with. During this time of the year, it gets confusing. 

Which way will it be?
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I'm not sure if it's just hormones kicking, I haven't read anything about it on the internet though.  But the only thing that seems to be consistent is that I get to think through a lot of things that I usually just ignore for the year.  Maybe I "unconsciously" get pressured that I'm almost over the year and I still haven't got any clue of what I really want to happen with my life. 

At the back of my mind, I have a lot of things that I want to do. I want to have a career that definitely suits me and my interests.  Something that I am passionate about.  Something that surely I'll never easily get tired of.  But the thing is, I want a lot of things, I don't know where to start and I don't know if I can even finish any of it.  

Well you see, I have this behavior that I easily get discouraged that I don't finish what I start. I just don't push through and I don't like pressuring myself to do things again and again. A perfectionist in some bad way perhaps? and a combination of unmotivated-ness. 

The good thing about doing the things I love though is I pour my heart in to it  All the ideas come easily when I feel good and inspired.  When I see my work is doing great, I create even something better. 

For the past year, I've been feeling so low about the things I used to do.  Like blogging or doing some crafts. I just can't seem to put out new ideas and I've been stagnant like forever.  A friend of mine said that I don't seem to get new ideas because I am trapped in the four walls of our family business, which it true.  I've been working every day from 7am up until 8pm, and yes, there are no days off. 

The routine is killing me. Getting up early, sitting behind the counter receiving fees for services, watching over the people who are working their asses off for their daily salary, getting home late, making sure that my long distance relationship is still doing well, sleeping late, and prepare for another day of same old routines.  It's tiring and draining.  Gitaya na akong utok. 

I've been hoarding books, maxing up the credit card, eating out a lot just to feel happy.  But none still satisfies me. 

Now, I have reached a big fork in my life that I definitely need to face and its for my future. 

My relationship with my boyfriend has been bumpy lately.  We are being challenged for the year so badly that it will either make or break what we have built together.  A three-year long distance relationship.  

We have laid out plans when we first started out since it's difficult to have a long distance relationship without making definite goals.  And then last night, he said his plans has changed.  He doesn't want to leave his job and he would like us (after getting married) to live at Gensan.  Honestly, I didn't feel anything.  I can't seem to imagine life outside Davao.  I can't even make up what kind of work I'll be getting there since I haven't figured it all out here.  He said that we can either live at Gensan, go home to Davao every weekend,  or he will keep his work at Gensan and he'll travel everyday to get home to Davao, or we just have to live there and visit my parents once a month.  

The reason why he wants us to live at Gensan is because he wants to start a new with me.  Build the marriage from scratch without relying to my family's business.  He doesn't want other people to think of him badly for living here with me.  I think that would generally crush his pride and ego if he were to do what we have originally planned. 

As for me, I don't think I am ready for that yet.  I don't even know if I want to get married.  I just think I am not up for this yet. 

I still have to consider my parents and their business.  I don't think I can handle a business that I don't have any idea how to run.  Even the nature of the business is far from what I love.  Before all of this, I thought that if I were to get married, my now boyfriend and I will handle it together.  But I guess, I have to let that business go.  

My parents are getting older, and I don't want to leave them.  I think that's the only plan I have like forever.

On to this very moment, I can't imagine things clearly.  Definitely some forks worth scrutinizing. 

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Introvertedness

Days ago, I've read a blog about the disadvantages of introverts which was sent to me by an introvert friend. I will not quote the site for I don't want the writer to gain popularity *lol*. 

The blogger's writing seems to be full of hate towards his own kind, and I just thought he must be frustrated about himself or just having a bad day. >__<  But whatever it is, his entitled to his own opinion, no matter how bad it may sound. 

  

Now there's no human being who is perfect. Introverts and extroverts are named because of their differences. We can't expect people to act in a certain way which they really don't do in the first place. We shouldn't be demanding what people should do. 

I've been reading a lot of articles and blogs about being an introvert. The same friend offered me to read The Introvert's Way: Living A Quiet Life In A Noisy World, which made me realize my flaws and strengths even more. It's a fun read that points out almost every trait that an introvert has. I recommend this to every introvert and extroverts as well who wants to understand their family, partner, or friend. 

Introvert Comics

Now, all my life I thought about having personality problems, until I've read a bunch of articles and books.

I am sociable, but there are times that I rather go out alone than have company. I don't have problems talking to people. But I guess they're too afraid of being personal or serious in some times. I am not the life of the group but I feel giddy every time I get myself some small group discussions. I feel energized when I get to talk with people who discuss a variety of subjects, not just about gossips, people, or things. I easily get affected and drained by problems and negativity because I listen carefully. 

Extrovert friends are fun.  But I don't think I have a lot of extroverts in my circle of friends. I think I drain them too much or I just don't feel connected to them.

I have my place in the world, but I want to explore more. It still needs some courage to step out of my comfort zone, but I'm willing. Still, I feel happy being me. 

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Shallow Perception: The Public Eye

Societal standards are quite controlling. People are spoon fed by what normal, acceptable, and popular should be like. Everyday and everywhere, people are caught in a contagion of shallow perception. 

One against others. Keeping an open eye.
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In magazines, TV, and other sorts of media, beauty is artificial. Many women are made to believe that to be beautiful, you need to comply with what society accepts. Instead of women empowerment and positive encouragement, they deteriorate with the rest of society, low self-esteem, discontented, and some, with eating disorders on the side. 

Look at the models and celebrities, they seem too perfect. People often disregard the truth that it is the celebrity's job to look desirable and to be envied by. The same with media, it encourages people to buy products that will make people think it's the only way for them to look and feel good. 

How many commercials do you see that portray women as sex objects and physically perfect? Most women are lost on how to treat themselves. They feel the need to be like or almost close to the women they see on TV.

If a woman chases her dream to be beautiful, by means of surgery or lifestyle change, she is criticized either way. People bash whom they think are part of a "minority" and envy people who are on top. Either way, people still bash them altogether. And either way, women are left confused and unhappy of who they are.

People often forget that everything is temporary. Beauty and riches will eventually fade or disappear. But happiness and values are important. It brings contentment and a good life.

Most people go with what society dictates. A lot of people are usually afraid of being a nonconformist because they might end up unacceptable and deviant in the eyes of others. A friend once asked me, "is it right to believe what the majority says?", and I answered no.

You do have the choice to follow the lead of the majority or base your decisions on what you think is right.  Why not try to verify facts and seek the truth. It's never wrong to keep an open mind. 

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A Take On Relationships

Love seems so magical when it first touches the heart and soul.  Everything seems to be good. But when will you know if love is true and worthwhile?   

In the beginning of the relationship, it's full of hope and magical love.  It feels good to be stared at, you feel wanted and important.  It feels good to be touched, the warm sensation from skin to skin.  The kiss and sex is new and powerful, you can't get enough of it, it takes you to its highs and you just don't want it to end.  A shared moment that'll make you think that there is far better things in this world and that's being with the one you love who loves you back.  

Long term relationships are like trees, you take care of it and let it grow.  It takes time to grow.  But relationships grow above what is physical, selfish, and even emotional.  

The promise of love.
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When love reaches it's maturity, the flaws become clear, like everything is new again.  If I'm not mistaken, every one who has loved someone came to ask, if love is powerful, then why do I have to see the ugly side of it? Is it just a test? Or will it be a forever burden to understand another person of faults and flaws? 

Some would run away.  Some couldn't take the thought that just like them, their partners are just as imperfect as they are.  Some are too caught up with the thought that the dream girl/boy is still out there, waiting to be found.  Some end up changing relationships if they find it a burden.

The ugly truth about love, it isn't made of magic alone.  It's not a tool for perfection, and it won't fix every mistake or "defect".  And what's uglier about love, when it stands alone, it won't make relationships last. 

What makes a relationship worthwhile?  How will it survive?  Choice and friendship.  

Relationships are made of choices.  If you choose to love, understand, and accept the person you're with despite the flaws, it's going to take a whole lot of sacrifices but it's going to last.  Also, it isn't a one way street, it's a mutual commitment.

When you are best friends with your partner, it makes the whole relationship easier.  Communication is natural and understanding your partner is less complicated.  You don't have to go running to another person just to be with a friend.  When an argument strikes, the couple can listen and accept each other better.  

We rarely hear people say I'm committed, mostly they'll say I'm in a relationship.  Is it just a word? Are they interchangeable?  Maybe, maybe not.  The question is, are you committed? 

Commitment is just like any other choice, but it involves action.  It's not merely saying I'm committed, but how you do in a relationship.  Commitment involves a great deal of dedication, to be loyal, honest, understanding, patient, and loving.   

The magic goes away when reality slaps you with problems and challenges.  You get busy, priorities change, and personal growth is constant.  It's the same with your partner.  They experience just the same but they are different than you.  If you both choose to be committed, then maybe, just maybe, he or she is the one. 

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New Home

Welcome to my new home.

Everything is pretty plain for now. I'm planning to do some "redecorating" for the layout. Not quite sure if I'm still familiar with the how-to's and set-ups, so I think I have to relearn a bit. I haven't figured out yet what I'm going to do, but maybe it'll be a mix bag as of the moment, from emotional pour outs to reviews.

I think I need to get back to blogging. It has always been therapeutic. It's quite tempting to pour out certain details about my ever emotional self, but I guess I have to do some controlling. I don't want my blog to get too personal. It just makes me vulnerable. Sometimes, I'd like to do things anonymously, but it wouldn't be quite fair to the persons involved (disclosed or not) so I'll just keep everything to myself instead.

I'll be taking baby steps from now on, start with some reviews maybe, or current events opinion. I just want to get back to blogging, and it's good to be back.

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